Friday, April 15, 2011

On Being Pretty

This is a piece I wrote that pertains to my belief that society inhibits women from feeling good about their bodies, but that that can change. ;) Please comment! Thank you!




"On Being Pretty"




I am not pretty.




Now, the typical response to this is, "Yes, you are!" Even if the people in question have never even met in person. Because maybe this person seems pretty, in the sound of her voice or the style of her writing. Maybe this consoler is one of those people who truly believes that everyone is beautiful. That is a lovely, wonderful ideology that I too subscribe too. Every person is beautiful. But not every person is pretty.




I certainly am not.






Pretty can be hard to define; or, at least harder to define than those words considered its synonyms. And its only companion that carries nearly as much weight is "thin." I have many friends who do not believe that they are pretty, as well as many who do not think that they are thin. It is much easier to confirm that someone is thin. Thin is objective. Thin can be proven by muscular abdomens and hard, flat stomachs. It can be verified by pristine, tight legs and sharp, defined collarbones. Thin is good, right, aesthetically pleasant.




I'm not thin either.




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The fact that I am not thin used to hurt. It was a tangible ache, like a lovesick spinster pining for a suitor who had long forgotten her. By the time I was thirteen, I felt it was too late. I wanted to be thin; I had to be thin. So much of my life revolved around this desire, these acrid mantras constantly interrupting my thoughts. I didn't even realize how much this wanting affecting me it was replaced with more pressing matters.




When I was younger, I loved throwing coins into fountains for good luck. The one at the mall and the Chinese restaurant were my favorites. This was a favored activity of mine, though, well beyond early childhood. Every wish I can remember having, from the age of eleven and beyond, was to be thin. Sometimes it was specific, a number to achieve or a particular day to yearn for. Often it was just general: "I wish I was thin." Every so often, I'd also add a wish to be happy.




In books, and movies too, the not-so-pretty girl always gets to have this marvelous transformation. Sometimes, she just whips off her glasses and flips her hair. Her peers all love her. Everything works out. Sometimes it takes effort, plucking and sit-ups and new jeans and mascara. It's hard work, for certain, but she may even gain some new friends with this process. Then, there's the girl who was just ho-humming along, and she goes away for the summer or visits her grandparents or takes a long nap and, suddenly, she's gorgeous. This is the plot of countless forms of entertainment, yet it never ceases to infuriate me.




I've hated this girl for such a long time. And I hate that I still, and probably always will, envy her.




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I now possess the confidence to firmly state that I am not pretty.




I'm not thin enough, either.




But by what criteria? Who creates these standards that I am judging myself by, like a rubric for an assignment?




Well, my peers, I suppose. My peers, the majority of who dully absorb whatever they're told without a second thought. Less than two decades into their lives, so many are already lackluster, with a piteous dearth of emotion and creativity. So, they obviously didn't make this up themselves. But where did they get this all from, these expectations that affect the lives of so many?




The media.




These standards were created by society. They are not organic. And I have always been all about screwing the media. I have always wanted to subvert the patriarchy, reject antiquated racism, and slap prejudice in the face. I knew it was ridiculous that, as a woman, I had to be submissive. And even more preposterous that, as a young woman, I was expected to depend on others. There was no reason for me to follow these orders. Why? Because they're bullshit.






So, why isn't this body ideal bullshit too?




Huh. It was quite the epiphany for me. Still is, mind you. And once I confirmed its truth, I was so very scared, because, for the first time,




I was free.




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I am not pretty.




I'm not thin enough, either.




Knowing what one is defined as and caring, though, are two blissfully different things.




I do not care anymore, but I don't shout this from the mountaintops. I don't wear it on a badge with pride. For me, losing possession of self-loathing is a private triumph to be quietly celebrated. It is a truth I am patiently caressing until I am ready to share its magic.

11 comments:

  1. This is a brave post. Well done.

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  2. Love it! This is a lovely post which is also very brave and you are awesome!

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  3. Thank you, blue milk and Cate!

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  4. I LOVED this post when I read it on The F Bomb, so honest and heartfelt. I knew that when I made my blog that I’d be sure to find you and follow you!

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  5. Cherokee- thanks so much! I'm glad you like this post, and I hope you like the others that I've posted here too!! I'll check out your blog as well :)

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  6. It's nice to have something like your blog where you are speaking of something really personal but not in a woe is me kind of way. That's why I loved your post and was so glad to have found your blog!

    There is nothing on my blog to check out yet, but there will be this week!

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  7. Alexa, I'm enjoying this--and now I'm wondering if there are words that you do happily claim for yourself. Once I discovered "lovely" I was pleased because I realized I could use that to describe myself and feel authentic and honest--it doesn't necessarily mean pretty; it implies something a little more individual, which is what I was after.

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  8. Autumn- I'm currently only a teenager, so, unshockingly, I haven't really figured this whole thing out yet ;) Lovely is a great word and I have a friend who uses it the way you do; maybe I'll claim it one day too. My favorite word in this genre is "beautiful", but I don't know if it's the word for me, or at least not yet. I'm working on finding my word now. :)

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  9. I really love this! I have often described myself as not pretty also, which was met with pity and proclamations of "Yes you are" or "That's not true" but I don't pity myself. I am confident and self assured in my world view and bright enough not to feel less than because of biology. I wish more women would fess up and just be okay with admitting the truth proudly and then moving on; living life joyfully. Bravo for this article

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  10. Kamala- thank you! I think that avoiding self-pity is almost always the best route.

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  11. Great stuff. This is especially enlightening because many young girls are led to believe they are as "pretty" as everyone else but these beliefs will sooner or later come crushing down and leaving them in a state of depression from which they'll have a hard time to rise. Also many people will say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder but if it were so then how come everyone seems to agree that Jessica Alba is pretty? I don't think that beauty is the defining factor in finding love since that's what most people worry about and so as you did, we should evaluate ourselves and know where we stand and get it out of the way.

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